Terminal munchies

They gave him gas, they gave him heartburn, they gave him headaches, but he couldn’t stop eating popcorn.

The autopsy revealed high levels of THC, a few crystals of ureic acid, and a receipt from a dentist in Tijuana for seventeen hundred bitcoins.

His brain was donated to the Brain Trust for an undisclosed tax receipt.

The odd relic of his half-remembered life was licensed to appear in an upcoming blockbuster.

His heart was donated to the Heart Foundation, beating all previous donations.

His feet, minus the baby toe on the starboard foot, were burned in effigies.

His liver was transplanted into former president Jimmy Carter, giving him a couple more years of life.

His balls were knocked out of the park when Paul Bunyan pitched a no-hitter.

His stick comforted the duchess of Glosterchershestershire in her bouts with depressions.

The whites of his eyes served as target practice during the American Revolution.

The CIA examined his sublingual proclivities, but they proved to be unsuited for any future needs.

Shoutout at the I’m Okay Corral

Genghis Khan or Hopalong Cassidy ?

Genghis for centuries has had a fearsome reputation because of his large-scale slaughter of conquered populations. Numerically, not approaching modern levels, but proportionally, near extinction for the clandestine cohort .

Hopalong, on the other hand, had a wooden leg. Rude and rough in his youth, he grew up to become a clean-cut, sarsaparilla-drinking man of many attributes. He was the first man to legally marry his horse, in a barbershop in Omaha. Always a square shooter who would give a cocksucker an even break, he shot the chip off Roy Rogers’s shoulder, and Dale couldn’t suppress a suppository. Hopalong was featured on the first lunchbox to bear an image. More than 100 companies manufactured Hopalong Cassidy products, including children’s dinnerware, pillows, roller skates, soap, wristwatches, and jackknives. Life and limb, sink or swim.

Redundancy

Some have accused me of redundancy, but like I said before, that’s an old story. Who isn’t redundant, according to the latest subsidies, and who is? Would they who is please take two steps forward and three steps back.

When they eventually hit the stone age they cast their pearls before swine, but the grunts didn’t go for it. Doesn’t the transcript show that  I already said that?

Tonight we will be doing, god be willing, the old topsy-turvy, to the tunes of Alphonse the Swinherd. The Swindle sisters will spin like spiders.

Hang on a second, I just blew up my random number generator. Luckily I have the diesel backup. By the numbers.

Peanuts, popcorn, cracker jacks

Anyone could see he was a nut. The first thing he said to her, I will plow your field like a Ukranian, or my name is not Cashew Gesundheit.

When pressed, he would sweat Oil of Olay. More than enough to choke a moose. But it was like out of the frying pan and like into the fire. He came out white as a ghost.

Scholarships in the cabbage patch

I say that I might be accounted a scholar in that which follows, because it is not a controlled appelation. I might fight to the death anyone who says otherwise. And a scourge on your descendants unto kingdom come.

Choose your weapon and I’ll choose mine. A word to the wise: Don’t look over your shoulder.  Or I in my Nietzsche and she in her Marx will bust on in on you like the devil taking the hindmost of the band of brothers. Don’t ask to see the details.

Suppose your autonomous vehicle

Suppose your autonomous vehicle was driving down the road, with you in the back seat, and the vehicle chanced upon an unusual situation that it could hardly have been programmed for, where it would have to kill either:

  • The Archbishop of Canterbury, Jack the Ripper, and a tribe of Zulus, thus destroying the British Empire
  • The top five Wallstreet Bankers, to the mortification of the capitalist way of lies
  • Jesus Christ, Mother Theresa, Abraham Lincoln, and Martin Luther

or  you.

Who would sign the victim statement? Who would inherit your fortune?

Hand me my slide rule and my protractor. I will tell you in a minute. In the meantime, get your ass in gear.

Key to a richer life

This is Main Street U. S. A. It is unlike any other Main Street anywhere else in the world.

It is rich in contentment and well-being. It bustles with hearty and wholesome activity.

And as you see and know firsthand, it revolves very largely around the family car.

It is perhaps not too much to say, that it is likewise the key to a rich and satisfying life

‘Nuff said.

Smoke him out

News came down the turdpike, they were gonna try to smoke him out. At the turn of the tide when the floaters come home to roost.

They didn’t know whether to hang him or give him a life sentence picking cotton. They also didn’t know that he had a 45 under his pillow, and a pillbox hat with ten galleons. He slipped over the state line in a minor key on a new set of blades.

They never could pin it on him because he used a virtual pirate network and a secure hashish algorithm. Just how many bits it was, is still a state secret.

For fevers

 

Fevers are kept away by the flesh of deer, as I have said, those indeed which return at fixed intervals by the salted right eye of a wolf worn as an amulet, if we are to believe the Magi. There is a kind of fever called “amphemerinos.” It is said that he is freed from this who drinks three drops of blood from an ass’s ear in two heminae of water. For quartans the Magi prescribe the excrement of a cat with the claw of a horned owl worn as an amulet, and to prevent a relapse the amulet should not be removed before the seventh periodic return. Who pray could have made this discovery? What sort of combination is this? Why was an owl’s claw chosen rather than anything else? Some more moderate people have prescribed the salted liver of a cat killed when the moon is on the wane, to be taken in wine before the access of a quartan. The Magi also apply to the toes and fingers ox or cow dung reduced to ash and sprinkled with children’s urine. They use the heart of a hare as an amulet, and give hare’s rennet before each access. There is also given with honey fresh goat’s cheese with the whey carefully pressed out. A remedy for melancholia is calf’s dung boiled down in wine. The right eye of a frog hung round the neck in a piece of undyed cloth cures ophthalmia in the right eye; the left eye similarly tied cures ophthalmia in the left. But if the frog’s eyes are gouged out when the moon is in conjunction, and worn similarly by the patient, enclosed in an egg-shell, it will also cure albugo. The rest of the flesh, if applied, quickly takes away bruises. An amulet of crabs’ eyes also, worn on the neck, is said to cure ophthalmia.